Trader Joe's Has Yummy Boys

My office is not interesting. We have two secretaries and one other attorney. My friend, K, is one of the secretaries.Thank God she works in this office or I would feel like a social pariah. I keep telling K that she needs to make a blog. She always has these great stories when she goes out without me and it always involves her staying up till 4 am with two guys who are equally into her. They always all end up at her place and she always makes out with one of them and shuns the other one, who subsequently falls asleep on her couch. It's happened like five times. So, K calls me yesterday and leaves this message: "I'm at the video store with my friend "I" and her boyfriend. They are renting porn and they want me to have a threesome. Please save me." This girl I. is out of control, but absolutely hysterical. i like having girlfriends like that, but I would never want to date them if I were a man. Which is probably how men feel who have misogynistic assholes for friends. So, they end up renting "the Neverending Story" and "Deep Throat." What a fucking combo. K then called me from I.'s broom closet to tell me everything was OK and she successfully prevented a swinging threesome attack.
I. is also the same girl that, when she becomes inebriated, becomes a lesbian. She is really the first woman who has ever come on to me, as lesbians do not find me interesting for some reason. Lesbians love K. She is such lesbian bait, it's not even funny. Anyway, so I. comes onto me hard core. Saying things like, "I know you want it." All I can must out of my complete shock is, "I'm so sorry, I don't know how to react to this. I don't know how to react to this." It was definitely a Dorothy clicking her heels kind of moment. However, I felt somehow flattered that a woman had finally found me attractive, only to find out later that she had come on to absolutely everyone else at the party. I felt dirty and used. It was great.

K's email from yesterday: Trader Joe's Has Yummy Boys.
I love it.

I'm an attorney but I hate lawyers

So, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am a new attorney to the area. I sit in front of a computer all day, do research and talk to people with problems. I'm like a shrink without as much human interaction.
So, I have to go to these continuing legal education classes. It's like being in law school all over again. A bunch of assholes who think they know more than you do and think you want to hear ALL about what they know. God! I hate attorneys. Ok, so about the last continuing legal education class I went to: this arrogant, fat
attorney was giving a lecture on some employment discrimination, blah, blah, blah
and everytime some other blabber-mouth attorney in the audience would ask a question,
(a.k.a., make a comment about how much they knew) he would hand out a pen to them, as a gift-to make everyone pay attention.
So, this girl raises her hand and starts talking about God knows what, because I
totally stopped paying attention after the speaker handed her a pen wrapped
in celophane, and she started talking into it like it was a microphone. She thought
he handed her a freaking microphone-a microphone wrapped in celophane???.
I'm sitting
there with my mouth open trying to not laugh, and no one else is finding it funny,
except the Asian chick behind me (We totally would've been friends in law school) YELLS out, "oh my God! That girl thinks she has a microphone in her hand!" The
the girl thinks her microphone isn't working, so she half stops trying to talking into it and sort of taps it on the back of the chair to see if that will make it start working.
I'm like, are you kidding me? Is this for real?
No one else laughs or says anything. Then, when she's done talking, she tries to
hand the microphone/pen back to the speaker. He says, you can keep that; it's a
pen. She looks at it all quizically and says, "Oh". Good lord. Made my
whole day.